Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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