Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
