I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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