gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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