I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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