Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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