I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
And then my night got REAL pukey
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
