so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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