The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
