Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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