her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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