It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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