I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
