Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
