I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
