just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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