I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
