the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
