two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
