I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
