I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
