Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
being pregnant is like rehab
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
