God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
