Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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