I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
