'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
