you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
