Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
