my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
