I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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