Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
