K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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