apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Pants are for mortals
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
