um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize