Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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