Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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