This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Randomize
