Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
