five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
