My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
