I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
