Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my shit smells like andre
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
