So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
