i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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