I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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