Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Enjoy the penises
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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