it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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