My sheets look like a crime scene.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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