On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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