And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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