Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize