JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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