Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
