I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
