I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
