I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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