that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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