I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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