i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
