i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
