I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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