I think I died a long time ago.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
